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Born Poets :: Poetry :: Wallys Poems--formal SA pictorial :: Harbour Waters

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Topic: Harbour Waters (Read 39 times)

Thoth
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Harbour Waters
« Thread Started on Aug 5, 2009, 2:28pm »

This is a newy, any comments are appreciated. Don't know where to go from here if at all. W

Harbour Waters

(Revision 2)
Rings of Circumspection

There’s a woman bent and weeping
from her harbour mirror peeping,
who although she’s smiling bravely
sees her daughter frowning gravely.

Silver ripples on the water,
smile at me oh mothers daughter,
laughing eyes have turned to sighing
turned to those of someone dying.

Evening shadow fills the harbour
be my grave, my silver arbour
cleanse me with your liquid stillness
end my fears and heal my illness.

There’s a young girl knelt and weeping
through a liquid mirror peeping
and her tears corrupt perfection
spreading rings of circumspection.

[image]

(Revision1)

There’s a woman bent and weeping
from her harbour mirror peeping,
who although she’s smiling bravely”
sees her daughter frowning gravely.

Silver ripples on the water;
smile at me thy mothers daughter,
laughing eyes have turned to sighing
turned to those of someone dying.

Evening waters fill the harbour
be my grave, my silver arbour
cleanse me with your liquid stillness
end my fears and heal my illness.

There’s a young girl knelt and weeping
through her liquid mirror peeping,
and her tears fall on perfection
bursting rings of circumspection.

(orig)
Shining ripples on the waters;
Smiling yet my mothers daughter’s
laughing eyes have turned to sighing
turned to those of someone dying.

There’s a woman bent and weeping
from that harbour mirror peeping,
“look at me I'm smiling bravely”
Tho’ her daughter frowning gravely.

Evening waters of the harbour
be my grave, my silver arbour
take me to your liquid stillness
still my tears, end my illness.

« Last Edit: Oct 1, 2009, 4:53am by Thoth »

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Rainbowthreads
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Re: Harbour Waters
« Reply #1 on Aug 5, 2009, 6:37pm »

Sounds of Hiawatha (a fave of mine although much too long I felt) in the rhythm section....so that's a good start.

The mothers daughter's whole thing is convoluted and I am still working it out, riddle-like:

your mother's daughter would be your sister...so far so good. But who/what is smiling? You? Your sister or her eyes? I am thinking the latter....usually her eyes smile but now they are sighing...yes? Oh no, the eyes usually laugh....

Certainly, the mother's daughter needs possessive punctuation and the daughter's eyes too....so it should be mother's daughter's

Not sure about use of tho'....the sound is the same as though...why abbreviate? Also not sure of the sense of this word. I understand why you said that she i smiling bravely but her daughter is frowning gravely, but "tho' " here implies "despite the fact that" and it does leave me with the impression that she didn't care that her daughter was concerned....and I am still, at this point , uncertain who the speaker is....

Last stanza is the clearest and makes me think that it is you who is dying after all...but who in relation to the others are "you"?

Last line is a syllable short ...

Don't give up on this....that cadence is divine and the use of rhyme works wonderfully in this kind of poem.

« Last Edit: Aug 5, 2009, 6:38pm by Rainbowthreads »

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Re: Harbour Waters
« Reply #2 on Aug 6, 2009, 1:28pm »

Hi Dawn,
Thank you for your thoughts on this. Yes it is in feminine metre (trochaic) like Carol used for Hiawatha.

Clearly I need to do a lot more work to express the message better. (Too cryptic?)

It is about a sick or dying young woman looking at her reflection in the water and seeing her mother's face in the mirror. And older version of how she perceives herself. The older woman in the reflection(mother) sees her daughter. She then drowns herself in the harbour. Perhaps the mother committed suicide as well so the reflection could be a ghost but the original idea was that the ripples in the water make the reflection look older and thus more like the observer, mother.

The plan is for things to become clear to the reader near the end. I will revise as best I can but if you have any ideas they would be very welcome as I am still struggling to implement structured writing.(mentally weak)

Hugs,
Wally

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Re: Harbour Waters
« Reply #3 on Aug 8, 2009, 9:50am »

Gday Wally, again great to see something from you mate. I agree with dawn on the cadence and rhythm and I am sure when you are back on form, you will sort out this with your usual aplomb. Many thanks for sharing mate and wishing you a continued recovery. Skip

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Thoth
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Re: Harbour Waters
« Reply #4 on Aug 10, 2009, 11:31am »

Thanks for the confidence Skipper. I don't feel so sure myself but here is the revision for what it's worth. The ending is still weak.

Cheers,
Wally

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Re: Harbour Waters
« Reply #5 on Aug 11, 2009, 8:00am »

suggestion:

There’s a young girl knelt and weeping
through her liquid mirror peeping,
through her tears of sad reflection
bursting rings of circumspection.

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Thoth
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Re: Harbour Waters
« Reply #6 on Aug 12, 2009, 11:05am »

Thanks Dawn,

What do you think now?

Hugs, Wally

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Re: Harbour Waters
« Reply #7 on Aug 13, 2009, 11:04am »

I must have NOT hit post on my last visit because I already answered this one. I love you new last verse....works for me!

But....

this line still bothers me Wally:

Quote:

smile at me thy mothers daughter,

Firstly because mothers MUST have the possessive apostrophe mother's

Secondly because the word "thy" is confusing. It means "your"

Smile at me your mother's daughter.....if she is talking to herself, would she not say "my" mother's daughter ..????

I am sorry but this convoluted way of putting things still sounds like a riddle and in that sense I think it belittles or devalues the poem as a whole. Just me maybe.

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Re: Harbour Waters
« Reply #8 on Oct 1, 2009, 5:03am »

Dear Dawn,
Thanks for being honest.
It's supposed to to convoluted. The woman is the girl's mother in the reflection. (It's actually herself aging) The girls tears wrinkle the image making it seem older.

I relented and changed "thy" to "oh"

I'm sure it is something very small that still needs changing to clarify the meaning. Any more ideas?

Hugz,
Wally

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