Joined: Mar 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 1,306 Location: Johannesburg, South Africa
Let Me Sleep « Thread Started on May 12, 2007, 2:30am »
Modified
Night was magenta, day dressed gold when I changed from youth into very old. I remember rainbows and stories told, but now want to rest as my body grows cold.
For nine and eighty years I’ve done my share; child to adult I stripped my soul bare, hurt and loved, often lived with flair, but now let me sleep if you really care.
Put daisies on my grave, remember times when I found delight in jingling wind chimes, read to your children all of my rhymes. Then I’ll live again through those written lines.
______________________________________
The night was magenta, the day dressed gold when I changed from youth into very old. I remember rainbows and stories told, but now I want to rest as my body grows cold.
For nine and eighty years I’ve done my share; from child to adult I stripped my soul bare, I hurt and I loved, often lived with flair, but now let me sleep if you really care.
Put daisies on my grave and remember times when I found delight in jingling wind chimes, and read to your children all of my rhymes for I’ll live again through those written lines.
shedman thousandposter tech guy for Born Poets...and weirdo member is offline
Lemon curry?
Joined: Apr 2006 Gender: Male Posts: 1,020 Location: Willow Hill
Re: Let Me Sleep « Reply #1 on May 12, 2007, 5:46am »
You already know what I think about this poem so I'll restrict myself to technical crit, not that there is much. I would drop 'still' from L3 as it spoils the meter. The only other nit I have is maybe a semi-colon would be better at the end of L5. Apart from that I can't find any fault with it, other than that it makes me sad when I read it!
Rainbowthreads Administrator Chief Critter member is offline
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Re: Let Me Sleep « Reply #3 on May 12, 2007, 7:25am »
Yes, this is quite , quite lovely Mistral and so moving. I am really only going to offer a trim up, which improves metre but also may prune it back to essentials...take or leave, depending on your preference my dear friend.
Night was magenta, day dressed gold when I changed from youth into very old. I remember rainbows and stories told, but now want to rest as my body grows cold.
For nine and eighty years I’ve done my share; child to adult I stripped my soul bare, hurt and loved, often lived with flair, but now let me sleep if you really care.
Put daisies on my grave, remember times when I found delight in jingling wind chimes, and read to your children all of my rhymes for I’ll live again through those written lines.
And at the end, I offer another tiny suggestion which I believe would empower those last 2 lines.
Put daisies on my grave, remember times when I found delight in jingling wind chimes, read to your children all of my rhymes. Then I’ll live again through those written lines.
Joined: Mar 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 1,306 Location: Johannesburg, South Africa
Re: Let Me Sleep « Reply #4 on May 12, 2007, 9:27am »
Nice trim, thank you Dawn girl! Remember always that the effort you put into these poems are enormously appreciated and warms the heart because you care. Don't know what I would do without you!
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Re: Let Me Sleep « Reply #5 on May 12, 2007, 10:09am »
Some appreciate, some don't...I am glad you do but always remember, my love, I do not expect people to alter their poems on my say so alone. It must feel right to them...I do care though...I really do.
Re: Let Me Sleep « Reply #6 on May 12, 2007, 12:08pm »
Dear Darling Mariana,
This is not a crit as such, but an offering, do it in present tense. Might make it even more universal ?
Nights are magenta, days dressed in gold when I change from youth into very old. I remember rainbows, many stories told, but now I need rest as my body grows cold.
Compare this with yours, have an alt viewpoint. Just my thoughts.
glennbagshaw Administrator Chief Gardener member is offline
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Joined: Nov 2005 Gender: Male Posts: 1,527 Location: Canada
Re: Let Me Sleep « Reply #7 on May 12, 2007, 11:30pm »
Hi Mistal, loved the title and first and last stanzas. However, the secon stanza seems vague ad tells of states and conditions that shold be shown and not told-- show what is meant by:
stripping your soul bare living with flair and doing your share
freedomchild Assistant Administrator Head Moderator and Administrative Assistant member is offline
Matt n' Me
Joined: Jul 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 1,166 Location: US
Re: Let Me Sleep « Reply #8 on May 13, 2007, 12:23am »
Hello Darling - I deeply enjoyed this piece - and have only one minor nit to point out. There is something about line 4 that is bothersome to me - and I'm not quite sure what it is. It may be a meter thing (but we all know I suck at that ) - so perhaps someone else may be able to offer some insight as to why I feel a stumbling, or disjoint, in that line. apart from that - this was lovely. sunshine gina
And silence contagious in moments like these, consumed me and strengthened my will to appease. The passion that sparked me one terrible night, shocked and persuaded my soul to ignite. ~Tom Marshall
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Re: Let Me Sleep « Reply #9 on May 13, 2007, 1:41am »
How about....but now I need rest as my body grows cold....maybe that would work better for L4?
If you need any help regarding the "telly" rather than "showy" thing that Glenn is talking about, message me and I shall try to explain in detail offering advice....there is a really fine line between the two sometimes and Glenn's right, you nudged over the edge of that line with V2.
Joined: Mar 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 1,306 Location: Johannesburg, South Africa
Re: Let Me Sleep « Reply #11 on May 14, 2007, 12:24pm »
A most appreciated thank you to all you wonderful people for all the comments. This one I'll have to come back to and make some adjustments. In the meantime, I've posted a pic to "Namakwa's Soul" if you're interested to have a look.
I rather like this poem and will be taking note of what you all said, just give me a bit of time as I now only have days left before Sheddie arrives and I start my big move. Two moves, in fact, as I have to move my brother out as well and furnish his place.
Re: Let Me Sleep « Reply #12 on May 14, 2007, 5:25pm »
Hi Mistral...this is another one of your wonderful pieces of word behavior.....it actually touched my soul and brought back memories..especially I guess because memorial day is coming up....daisies were my Aunts favorite flower...she passed away in 89....and I truly do still miss her very much...but remember the old stories...which are good memories....I think the revision is lovely and thank you for sharing this.....Huggles....JB
Growing OLD is mandatory, but growing up is OPTIONAL
brandy Guest
Re: Let Me Sleep « Reply #15 on May 16, 2007, 12:37am »
Hi Ms Mis.
I have now read this a few times and it has filled me with a sense of sadness and inevitability each time . Maybe I have started that dreaded "mid-life" phase and looking back on all the things I wish I had (or hadn't) done, I realise that there are not many grains of sand left in my hour-glass. *Sigh* .
Thoth Administrator Ugly Critter member is offline
of Deserts and Mountains
Joined: Feb 2007 Gender: Male Posts: 489 Location: Gauteng, South Africa
Re: Let Me Sleep « Reply #16 on May 16, 2007, 9:31am »
Lady M, A very deep and moving poem. We feel this more closely now as our parents reach the age, and we realize that we are next in line. It's scarey! Well written and beautiful.
Joined: Oct 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 81 Location: Las Vegas
Re: Let Me Sleep « Reply #17 on Jul 1, 2009, 2:45am »
An interesting take on age, wishing to die even at a ripe old age. Even as a child I've wished to live to 100 so at 89 I'd still want another 11 years of living
Just one question: Who is the 'you'? you address in the end 2nd stanza? At first, the piece seems like we are hearing the thoughts of a person, but it shifts to a request for someone to end the person's life. It threw me into a bit of confusion.
However I must commend your wonderful use of imagery in the poem and to end with the idea of living on through poetry passed on is an that is probably shared by all of us on the site (myself included).
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