Amplifier (Expanded and renamed: Rhythm Driven) « Thread Started on Nov 1, 2008, 10:47pm »
Bass pulsates, shock waves of air Sweat, perspire As friction flares Grinding vibrations, desire Muffling tunes of despair Escape through the amplifier
***Rewrite***
Rhythm Driven
Bass pulsates, shock waves of air Sweat, perspire As friction flares Grinding vibrations, desire; Muffle despair.
Escape via amplifier!
Together, Selective Simplicity This frequency inspires, Experience electricity Holding tightly the equalizer
Songs of life, incomplete Passions, Smiles As pain competes claiming victory for a while; but hearts speak Melodies inspire denial selecting what we keep.
The equalizer, a distribution Of reality, often bleak; Life, our only illusion has yet to be complete.
So, escape via amplifier the only reason being desire You choose what you require; Reality-- Fantasy inspired.
« Last Edit: Nov 2, 2008, 12:07pm by devinmcmahon »
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Re: Amplifier (Expanded and renamed: Rhythm Driven « Reply #1 on Nov 3, 2008, 7:47am »
I will come back to this if u want a deeper critique (put a copy of it in Tough Love if u do) but I do see an improvement on your last poem...still a little bit cold, especially for the subject which is very close to my heart by the way
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Re: Amplifier (Expanded and renamed: Rhythm Driven « Reply #3 on Nov 16, 2008, 4:44pm »
rhythm-wise, Dev...I am not getting this so I suggest Thoth has a look at it....he might be able to explain why it's not working...of course, it could be me but I am finding the stresses all amok....and I rather feel like a poem about rhythm should be strong rythmically
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