Born Poets - Liquid Chains

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Dec 23, 2009, 11:00pm

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Born Poets :: Poetry :: Dan's Poems---rhyming :: Liquid Chains

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Topic: Liquid Chains (Read 61 times)

ohdannyboy
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Liquid Chains
« Thread Started on Sept 6, 2008, 11:09pm »

Life is a series of obstacles designed to crush.
It never releases the victims it might touch
That would be everyone like you and me
It’s just some of us are blind to this, lucky for me.

I sit and I whine about this or just that
I feel life’s claws dig in me but I am quite fat
It tries to leave scars where it’s tried to get in
But I use my grey armor and fill in the skin

One day it will consume me I know this is true
I’ve watched from afar or quite clearly the view
I cannot change this fact that it’s my clear destiny
I will forget it tonight with enough whisky in me.

Waking up is a different test of my will
The end of a night taken with a blue pill
A gallon of water to rip my tongue off the roof
Of my mouth it is stuck along with a misguided tooth

The bile I choke down with a swallow and a chew
Of the tongue freed from coffin of cotton that grew.
I try to stand up while I’m starting to fall
The hair of the dog is just starting to call.

« Last Edit: Sept 7, 2008, 4:32pm by ohdannyboy »

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Rainbowthreads
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Re: Liquid Chains
« Reply #1 on Sept 7, 2008, 3:26am »

Life is a never ending....well it isn't, Dan...since life is going to end, nothing in it could be never-ending.....and the only reason I am picking this hole in your first verse is because Line 1 is too long...the rhythm of the poem is thus spoiled, you see, Mister Music Man.

So if you remove that never ending thing and say

Life's a series of obstacles designed to crush
It never releases the victims it might crush
That would be everyone, like you and me
But some of us are blind to this, lucky for me.

then the rythm is lovelier, you see?

There are a couple of other places that would read smoother with the odd trim of excessive words, for example:

The bile I choke down with a swallow and chew
Of the tongue freed from coffin of cotton that grew.
I try to stand up while I’m starting to fall
The hair of the dog is just starting to call.

Do you see?

Whisky was the choice of mind-soother of my parents--I remember that well. They weren't drunks or anything or rather I didn't perceive them as so
but looking back now, I think they relied too heavily on the magical powers of the grain. I tried it when I was a teenager and it was too vile for words. I took up with bacardi instead but by my twenties, I realised it actually sapped the true joie de vivre from me and replaced it with its poor second cousin bonhomie.

Nice poem Dearest

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Rainbowthreads
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Re: Liquid Chains
« Reply #2 on Sept 7, 2008, 3:26am »

oh by the way, love that title!!!

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ohdannyboy
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Re: Liquid Chains
« Reply #3 on Sept 7, 2008, 4:37pm »

Thank you dearest Dawn. I agreed with your suggestions and made them with pleasure. I wrote the poem last night while reading a journal I kept of my life at the time. It just came to me. Like my music, poetry, for the most part, just spews out of me. Unlike my music, a kind-hearted suggestion and a quick edit and all is well. My music, well let's just say it stands on its own, "warts" and all. Love ya....Dan

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Thoth
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Re: Liquid Chains
« Reply #4 on Sept 8, 2008, 2:45am »

Astute observation Danny. I love the last line best! Dawn has pretty much nailed the nits. I would avoid "Desiged to crush", it is indirect and soft. Life simply crushes!
Otherwise pretty good my friend.
Wally

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skipperooonie
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Re: Liquid Chains
« Reply #5 on Sept 8, 2008, 10:21am »

Gday Dan, It is an astute observation and pretty graphically told. I guess that is part of what makes it so true to life. I might agree with parts and disagree with others but all I know is, I am glad I don't have too many hairs of the dog. My luck would be to choke on a furball. Also think the title is very clever, thanks for sharing mate.... Skip

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sahara
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Re: Liquid Chains
« Reply #6 on Feb 20, 2009, 12:31pm »

I laughed reading this, admist a bit of sadness too. Mixed emotions, making me believe it a very good write and to echo the already said; the title excellent. Well done, you.

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