Joined: Nov 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 43 Location: United Kingdom
Crow Proud « Thread Started on Nov 14, 2008, 3:19pm »
As recommended in my welcome I am posting here for your comments.
Hear the cawings of amorous crows, (proud as dogs which bark), hurling their stark broadcasts of yearning across meadows. Then tell why the dove typifies love its coos as bland as a line of prose.
Could I send you secret cooing words which flutter aloft all feather soft and not cry wildly across these herds? My imprisoned caw would burst forth, raw to the ears of more civilised birds.
Like a crow beating up through the air ours is the proud love, soaring above the placid doves cooing through the square, some plump, some manky, not one like me spurning the pathetic crumbs they share.
My Writings https://www.triond.com/users/Ben+Johnson
skipperooonie thousandposter "Thunder Downunder" member is offline
Joined: Dec 2005 Gender: Male Posts: 1,239 Location: Australia
Re: Crow Proud « Reply #1 on Nov 14, 2008, 7:45pm »
Gday Ben, another very good offering. At first I had to read a second time to get used to the five line stanza but once I did, all was fine. Different and interesting, many thanks for sharing.... Skip
My Writings https://www.triond.com/users/Ben+Johnson
Rainbowthreads Administrator Chief Critter member is offline
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Joined: Jul 2004 Gender: Female Posts: 7,718
Re: Crow Proud « Reply #3 on Nov 15, 2008, 4:37am »
I have to say that it works better when the whole poem is about birds, to use dove and love, despite the fact that you are treading on the edges of the cliche border
What I can tell you, apart from the fact that it is nice to hear your accent in this pleasant poem, is that when IT is possessive, ther is no apostrophe
it's means it is or it has.
its means belonging to it
this is a frequent mistake used by so many....because possessive terms usually involve an apostrophe but this is the exception to the rule.
I have to say that it works better when the whole poem is about birds, to use dove and love, despite the fact that you are treading on the edges of the cliche border
What I can tell you, apart from the fact that it is nice to hear your accent in this pleasant poem, is that when IT is possessive, ther is no apostrophe
it's means it is or it has.
its means belonging to it
this is a frequent mistake used by so many....because possessive terms usually involve an apostrophe but this is the exception to the rule.
Re: Crow Proud « Reply #5 on Nov 17, 2008, 9:21am »
Hi Ben, Very good poem indeed. Certainly a fresh take on love - crows! Yes they are so much more forthright than doves. Your use of doves in this poem certainly is not cliched... I enjoyed your unusual rhymes and especially the sound devices to give the expression of your love a stark, raw power! Great!
sahara Moderator Murmurring Mermaid member is offline
Joined: Jul 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 525 Location: uk
Re: Crow Proud « Reply #6 on Mar 6, 2009, 9:03am »
The brackets in the first stanza seem to make the reader (well this one) focus on such. How that cawing can grate on someones ears the same as a dogs bark and I like how you've done that, you.
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