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Dec 23, 2009, 10:55pm

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Born Poets :: Poetry :: Bags 123---formal :: Screwed

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Topic: Screwed (Read 28 times)

bags123
fivehundredposter

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Insufferable Crouton

Joined: Jul 2005
Gender: Male

Posts: 900
Location: Upstate NY

Screwed
« Thread Started on Apr 27, 2009, 1:15pm »

We're all cards in the deck
that destiny deals
Where you're played,
how you're paid's,
up to you

Till you're mired in bad debts
which you can't collect,
and your told
if you fold
that you're through

Then all of the chances
once held in your hand
turn to fear,
while the years
are accrued

And youth's indiscretions,
niave misperceptions
Leave your fate
in a state
where you're screwed.

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"I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again."

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Rainbowthreads
Administrator

Chief Critter
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approaching sell by date

Joined: Jul 2004
Gender: Female

Posts: 7,718

Re: Screwed
« Reply #1 on Apr 27, 2009, 6:00pm »

I expect a lot of people our age are feeling royally screwed by this world recession bagsy....I know we are because our investments are suddenly looking about as fruitful as a bottle of Evian. So a good poem to show that youth's optimism and expectations can really look like follies in today's less shining light.

A few spellos:

We're all cards in the deck
that destiny deals
Where you're played, (no cap for where)
how you're paid's, (drop this comma)
up to you

Till you're mired in bad debts
which you can't collect, (cannot works better for metre here)
and your told (you're)
if you fold
that you're through

Then all of the chances
once held in your hand
turn to fear,
while the years
are accrued

And youth's indiscretions,
niave misperceptions (naive)
Leave your fate (no cap for leave)
in a state
where you're screwed.

that's all!! You haven't lost the knack my dear friend xxxx

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skipperooonie
thousandposter

"Thunder Downunder"
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Joined: Dec 2005
Gender: Male

Posts: 1,239
Location: Australia

Re: Screwed
« Reply #2 on Apr 27, 2009, 6:26pm »

Gday Bagsy, yup yup and yup. I would wonder if, V2 L2 would not be "which THEY cannot collect"

I know I wouldn't want to collect any more bad debts. Been there done that and the fightback is harder as you get older. Very good poem and right on the money mate. .... Thanks for sharing... Skip

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bombadil1247
thousandposter

The Metre Man
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Goldberry, river daughter

Joined: Aug 2005
Gender: Male

Posts: 1,068

Re: Screwed
« Reply #3 on Apr 28, 2009, 3:17am »

Hi, bags,

love the alliteration here ' desk..destiny deals', delicious.

Can't offer much more other than suggest subbing 'and' for where' to strengthen last line. On "paid's", think that's an apostrophe of ommission and has to stay.

The POV is that of the small businessman, right? How much harder it must be to see all you have worked for disappear due to events beyond your control. Nice to read you again,
jim

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Allan
thousandposter

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Joined: Feb 2006
Gender: Male

Posts: 1,020
Location: Bonnie Scotland

Re: Screwed
« Reply #4 on Apr 28, 2009, 5:25pm »

I can certainly relate to this and feel it sums up the feelings of many just now. It is a sobering thought that each street must inevitably have its share of tragedies due to the reckless greed of those who already had more than they could ever spend...

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