Eyes of stone « Thread Started on Jun 10, 2008, 4:20am »
Between unyielding wrinkled folds in cliff eyes of stone unseeing watch the angry sea Careless waves toss and hurl a wooden skiff Futile cries melt beneath fluid motion silenced by triumphant roar of ocean all watched by eyes of stone that cannot see
Re: Eyes of stone « Reply #1 on Jun 10, 2008, 4:25am »
Hi all
It's been so long since I have written anything that I have quite lost my confidence. Please be gentle with me but your words of experience and knowledge will be appreciated.
Rainbowthreads Administrator Chief Critter member is offline
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Re: Eyes of stone « Reply #2 on Jun 11, 2008, 7:51am »
This is on both sites, I see...so I guess I shall paste this into both because I'd say that you need a balanced opinion even more over there LOL
Between unyielding wrinkled folds in cliff (great line) eyes of stone unseeing watch the angry sea (you cannot really say that anything which is "unseeing" "watch", even when we know what you mean. THe two words are just contradictory) Careless waves toss and hurl a wooden skiff (great) Futile cries melt beneath fluid motion(great) silenced by triumphant roar of ocean(great) all watched by eyes of stone that cannot see (ditto what I said before)
So my only problem is with the word "watch" really. Can we find an alternative that would satisfy the needs of your poem? Would "regard" work for you? Because that word has dual meaning...one is to watch with the eyes and one to contemplate mentally...ie A) I regard the birds on the rooftops or B) I regard my health to be very good. Perhaps ambiguity is the way to go....
I've read a poem like this in the recent past but I cannot for the life think where...it had the exact same metaphor and if I could remember where I'd seen it, I would rush to it and find the solution that poet reached...but then again, it wouldn't be yours would it?
skipperooonie thousandposter "Thunder Downunder" member is offline
Joined: Dec 2005 Gender: Male Posts: 1,239 Location: Australia
Re: Eyes of stone « Reply #4 on Jun 11, 2008, 10:17am »
Huggles Bronny, great to see you back and writing sweet. If I may offer a suggestion, ( L1 ) "unseeing stone orbs regard the angry sea" ........and...( L6 ) "stone eyes watching although they do not see".
As always, yours to use or lose as you wish and when you do smooth the bump I think this will be a corker. Many thanks for sharing.... Skip
« Last Edit: Jun 11, 2008, 10:18am by skipperooonie »
Thoth Administrator Ugly Critter member is offline
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Re: Eyes of stone « Reply #6 on Jun 14, 2008, 5:12pm »
Hi Lady B
This is the saddest metaphoric and probably the most beautiful “poor me” verse I have ever read. Your words are (as usual) deeply expressive and the iambic metre very nearly perfect pentameter, well done! Here follows some suggestions that I hope may assist, hell what do I know anyway? It’s a great shorty just as it is as it contains all the essential ingredients.
“Between unyielding wrinkled folds in cliff (To me the eyes are not between the folds of cliff, they are the cliff itself, the observer) eyes of stone unseeing watch the angry sea (Perhaps leave the “unseeing” out as it is revealed anyway in the last line. “Observe” seems to be neutral, uninvolved or detached) Careless waves toss and hurl a wooden skiff (“Toss” and “hurl” mean the same thing and using more powerful descriptors for the two players (waves and skiff) could enhance the imbalance of power in the metaphore) Futile cries melt beneath fluid motion (Lovely words but I don’t like the change to falling metre in these two lines as it weakens the impact when describing the bullying ocean. The couplet here also isolates L2 from the finale) silenced by triumphant roar of ocean (If this line is left loose, the impact of the next and final is emphasized by a triple rhyme. “Drowned” may be a stronger alternative for “silenced” .) all watched by eyes of stone that cannot see” (this is an awesome last line with a powerful coupling to L2.)
Some possible fixes put all together, may read something like this:
“Aloof, unyielding wrinkled folds of cliff observe with eyes of stone the rampant sea whose raging waves consume a fragile skiff snatched up by wind and spray, a futile plea is drowned by Ocean's great triumphant roar, all watched by cold stone eyes that cannot see.”
Thanks for sharing this impressive poem, it makes me feel even worse, so I guess it works, but perhaps I’m too close in W
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