skipperooonie thousandposter "Thunder Downunder" member is offline
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Societal Conformity « Thread Started on Nov 5, 2009, 11:30pm »
Every once in a while there's a glimmer, a moment reminds you of times in the past; like a puff of wind, it flies out the window and you wonder if it's all going to last
Age has a way of making you mortal, "Forever" a myth, wishful thinking; life creeps away, concepts change, You can't help feeling you're sinking
The years spin by ever faster your selfish thoughts make you ashamed; is it possible there is something better? do others out there feel the same?
Those glimmers come back into focus do what's expected, is that what's to blame?
« Last Edit: Nov 5, 2009, 11:31pm by skipperooonie »
Joined: Oct 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 81 Location: Las Vegas
Re: Societal Conformity « Reply #1 on Nov 6, 2009, 12:59am »
I've come to realize there are a million different people telling you to do, say, or think a million different ways. I would agree that that temptation to conform does not go away with age.
In your first stanza what is "it's" a pronoun for? Life? Legacy? Meaning? I feel like I have an idea but am not for sure. At first I thought I thought those glimmers you mentioned were a positive memory, but reading them again I feel like this is a piece of regret, like a man wishing he's done more in his life, or at least looking back and examining himself.
It is a good piece Skip, the meter is a bit off but I like the rhymes.
Joined: Apr 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 431 Location: East Grinstead
Re: Societal Conformity « Reply #2 on Nov 6, 2009, 2:44am »
Dear Skip,
Excellent thoughts, and quite well put. Eric's crit made me think, and I have dared to put my "revision" down by way of polishing up the facets of your little but rough gem. I focussed on making each line 10 sylls (every counts as 2, btw !) and hopefully smoothing out any rhythms, but you must take or toss all of what I say unless it suits YOU !
Every once in a while there's a glimmer, moments remind you of times in the past; like puffing wind, it flies out the window and you wonder if it's going to last
Age has its ways of making one mortal, "Forever" is a myth, wishful thinking; life creeps away, or drains as concepts change, can't help feeling you sink, and are drowning
Endless years will spin by ever faster while old, selfish thoughts make one feel ashamed; is it possible there’s something better do my friends out there - and foes - feel the same?
Those glimmers come back into sharp focus : “Do what's expected.” Is that what's to blame?
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Re: Societal Conformity « Reply #3 on Nov 6, 2009, 6:14am »
I am reading it a few more times before commenting Skip but I will say it's great to see you writing again and great also to see people responding...I love this site, for all it is quiet in the main...there is always an innate sense of caring here.
Joined: Apr 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 431 Location: East Grinstead
Re: Societal Conformity « Reply #4 on Nov 6, 2009, 7:02am »
Dear Dawn,
You have a point, I agree about the site, which is why I respond as often as I have something valid (and positive) to say.
Dare I raise one Q tho ?
I remember ages ago "crit" was banned from this forum, yet all the recent posts have been crit. Which, ha, you are appreciating ! I think the going quiet was at this point.
Perhaps it is time to allow crit officially on the New Poems board, because it IS the entry point to the whole of BP.
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Re: Societal Conformity « Reply #5 on Nov 6, 2009, 11:30am »
as a much more intimate group has evolved, I have relaxed my attitudes and more or less put the rules aside excepting for those which proboards insist upon....so unless someone states their preference for no critique, I think of it as a welcome response to all....and in particular to Skip who always wants critique wherever he posts, I know. As a matter of fact, he mentioned to me before he posted this poem, that it was raw and probably needs a lot of help so he'd post it here in the hope people didn't just say "scrap it mate!" As if..... lol
But you are right Alan...it used to be that we transferred poems to Tough Love if they needed crits....and that may be a reason why some people left...it's so nice to see occasionally they pop back in, even when they don't say a word
skipperooonie thousandposter "Thunder Downunder" member is offline
Joined: Dec 2005 Gender: Male Posts: 1,239 Location: Australia
Re: Societal Conformity « Reply #6 on Nov 6, 2009, 3:56pm »
Gday Eric, many thanks for reading and commenting. I think you have pretty much nailed it in your summation. Wishing to have done more in life (even though my life is fairly full), would be a part of it. I have just now had a discussion with Dawn on another subject, and the topic of regret was covered. I have rarely wasted time on regret, I feel it is a futile pastime. Let me clear that a little by explaining, it is not that I do not regret events or situations, and may feel remorse or sorrow, but more that I know that in most cases nothing I can do or say will ameliorate that. Fences can in some instances be mended and the effects of an action may be softened, but to waste energy sitting in deep regret is counter productive I feel. The time and energy would be more beneficial being used to try and rectify or else get on with life.
"It" was meaning life or this period of my life and you are so right in saying I am looking back and examining myself. In a slightly dramatic way, I guess "Age" making me feel mortal is how I am finding that. My father died at fifty three years of age and I am but two months and some days away from that birthday. In quieter moments, I sometimes reflect at whether I could have done things differently or better. On a lighter note, my own realization of encroaching age was when I discovered that I was reminiscing. I actually found it rather funny when I did realize. Again thanks for taking time mate........... cheers Skip
Growing OLD is mandatory, but growing up is OPTIONAL
skipperooonie thousandposter "Thunder Downunder" member is offline
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Re: Societal Conformity « Reply #7 on Nov 6, 2009, 4:06pm »
Gday Alan, also many thanks for taking time.
I am usually pedantic on trying to make the ten sillybubble count when I use sonnet form and actually in most of my writing. I will attribute the lapse to my sparsity of production and a raging headache. That's my story and am sticking with it For me, the gratifying thing I take from this is that people are readily identifying with what I felt at the time of writing and I feel I am improving in that respect. I shall come back and look again soon and try to polish this and appreciate your input mate........ Cheers Skip
Growing OLD is mandatory, but growing up is OPTIONAL
skipperooonie thousandposter "Thunder Downunder" member is offline
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Re: Societal Conformity « Reply #8 on Nov 6, 2009, 4:11pm »
Huhgzzzzzzz Dawn, thank you my sweet friend and mentor, I know that you will crit this for me when you have time. I agree with the sentiment of doing crits on New Poems. I think it shows our newer members and visitors to the site exactly what we are about. And yes, I have asked that anything I write is critted without moving to tough love. hugs again and I will patiently await your perusal
Growing OLD is mandatory, but growing up is OPTIONAL
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Re: Societal Conformity « Reply #9 on Nov 7, 2009, 2:17pm »
I will, unusually for me, not dwell on the meter Anton...I was more interested in the content:
Taking the first stanza alone, the focus seems to be on "the glimmer"/ the "moment" and not on "life or this period of your life" in the first 3 lines at least.. so the 4th line is like a wayward waif who has wandered in to the wrong part of the poem. The glimmer (or moment) reminds you of something in your past and, like a puff of wind, that mnemonic glimmer disappears out the window. The 4th line, then, needs firming up to make sense here. I personally found it to be forced and would prefer the whole glimmer thing to reach a conclusion in this line...something like: hard to grasp what evaporates so fast
Every once in a while there's a glimmer, a moment reminds you of times in the past; like a puff of wind, it flies out the window and you wonder if it's all going to last
2nd stanza:
Age has a way of making you mortal, (really, this is not true...you are always mortal; age just accentuates that) "Forever" a myth, wishful thinking; life creeps away, concepts change, (creeps is weak,...ebbs works better no? concepts change is not concrete enough for me...whose concepts? what are they that they can change? this is telly not showy....do u see?) You can't help feeling you're sinking (forced again. there is nothing wrong with using "sinking" but use it in a way that it doesn't feel forced: you're a leaky old boat that is sinking...something of that nature?)
stanza 3 is more familiar...age does make us ask such questions but there is a contrary quality here...if you are guilty of selfish thoughts, would you care whether others feel the same? That's ok...we are contrary at times. However, you put a question between those two things Is it possible there is something better? Well whether or not there is, it is a question and therefore line 4 doesn't apply to it for if it did, the line would read: do others out there ask themselves the same?
The years spin by ever faster your selfish thoughts make you ashamed; is it possible there is something better? do others out there feel the same?
The last 2 lines: again contrary to what came before...the glimmer(s) flew out the window; they weren't suddenly out of focus, were they? And then you say: "do what's expected" and we assume you tacitly mean "by others" ...we understand that....but you add on the enignmatic: is that what's to blame? ....and I said to myself: for what? Why is something to blame for us getting older? Or why is something to blame for the mnemonic reminders of your past? or why is something to blame for us being mortal? or why is something to blame for that feeling of being not in of control of our destiny? I felt, with the last line, that you had not thought this poem through sufficiently....and that when you do, you will perhaps understand and be able to convey in you poem what it is that you are dissatisfied with in particular.
Mind you, a poem full of confusion on the part of the poet is perfectly fine as long as that is what you want to convey...but I rather think you meant something more specific (after our discussion)
skipperooonie thousandposter "Thunder Downunder" member is offline
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Re: Societal Conformity « Reply #10 on Nov 7, 2009, 2:33pm »
Hugz Dawn , thanks once again. As you noticed I am up very early and was having a read in Tough Love. I think you are getting through to me on the "telly/showy concept (after all this time ) and you are right in that I probably did not think this through as well as could be. Of course the confusion stems from my state of mind so perhaps that would have been a more apt title "Confused" I have to dash off to market now but will come back and look at your words again later. Many thanks my sweet
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I actually found it rather funny when I did realize. Again thanks for taking time mate........... cheers Skip
I know that you will crit this for me when you have time.
) and you are right in that I probably did not think this through as well as could be. Of course the confusion stems from my state of mind so perhaps that would have been a more apt title "Confused"